DUMB SHIT

A credit or debit to the race? You decide.

New York Magazine is a stupid magazine with bad articles. My roomie subscribed to it by accident thinking that I wanted it. No, what I wanted was the New Yorker where the writing is considerably better and the stories assume you have a soupcon of intelligence so they don’t talk down to you. This is one of the reasons why I stopped freelancing. The magazines I worked for had no ovaries (Note: isn’t it time to celebrate the vagina and ITS strength?). I personally know several editors who were (and probably still are) too afraid to publish groundbreaking and relevant writing that treats non-heterosexual New World African people like humans because it may offend readers, or, God-forbid, the Almighty Sponsor.

But back to New York magazine. I hate it when magazines assume that their audience is mostly a bunch of idiotic trendy bastards who just want to be and play it safe and occasionally get their big toe wet. Now, I offer a few thoughts about the crap de la crap I read in the New York magazine that set me the fuck off this morning.

The (most) offending article: “It’s Their Party,” by Alex Williams. Yeah, and they party like it’s 1499. Williams profiles several young Republicans who live in New York City, who think that their party is the bee-knees, just fine and dandy, up like whoa!

Republicans: Every two or three years, some mainstream rag publishes a story about Republicans. Not just any old Republicans (read: white, male, old as Methusala) but NEW Republicans. Ever interested in finding out about these newfangled Republicans, I read the story. Just as I thought, there are no new Republicans. Just new bodies who had absorbed bad ideas who are now wasting space on the printed page by offering up pearls of provincialism which were as stale and cold and self-serving when they sprung into the head of the first greedy moron.

Let me say this first: This article is an insult to Republicans everywhere. If these jokers are the crème de la crème, then the party is in trouble.

First up: Lolita Jackson, black, female, Republican. I think as black (and I guess white) readers we are supposed to be moved to anger that a black person wants to be/is a Republican. I am not. What angers me is that this is recycled crap. Every year some publication drops a piece about black Republicans as if they were an anomaly. They are not. They have been around forever and a day waving their flags while doing "The Hustle" in shackles.

This woman—if the article represents her properly—is a dope in a dress draped in melanin. She starts off by affirming her own sense of blackness (I’m cool. I sing in a jazz-funk bank. I’ve sung at CBGB Gallery! I wear leather pants. It’s all good.”)

Well, not quite, Ms Jackson. What’s not good is defending your blackness to anyone, white, black, blue, whatever. Whenever a black person feels compelled to prove their blackness, it's a snore. Who really cares if you watch The Parkers or not? This issue is this: Black folk just want to know if you plan sell them down the river for a few dollars. THAT'S why we question your blackness, or rather your HUMANITY. Ms Jackson's comments tell me more about the racially polarized world she skips about it, than whether I can count on her in race riot (which is doubtful.)

It is also perfunctory when mentioning that you are a Republican, is to reference other black Republicans. Jackson invokes poor old Condoleeza Rice. Jackson beams and says of Ms Rice (no shit) “A black woman with her hand on the button? You gotta love that.” What Ms Jackson doesn’t say—which is equally true—is that Bush has his finger on Condoleeza.

Then she says this dumb shit: “A lot of very educated African Americans, unfortunately, have a herd mentality. They are probably Republicans at heart. If you ask them what they believe, but they just can’t vote Republican. They want to believe that Jesse Jackson is going to lead them to the promise land.”

What the fuck is she talking about?

First, very educated African Americans (and a fussy bunch they are!) are as diverse as everyone else. You can have a Stanley Crouch, a bell hooks, a Shelby Steele, and a Toni Morrison all in the same room and it’s more than likely that they have a variety of viewpoints and political affiliations and loyalties. The only thing that they might have in common is kinky hair (originally). If I am reading correctly, apparently educated black folks can't be too eduacted because they continue to vote "incorrectly." Yeah, okay, sister. Whatever.

Then I saw the word “herd” and I thought she must be talking about bison or buffalo, you know, animals black people resemble besides monkeys. The kicker was her mention of Jesse Jackson. Man, is this woman behind the times, or what? When was Jesse in vogue, like, a decade ago? She don’t spend much time thinking out her thoughts, now do she?

To call Lolita Jackson a sell-out is easy and actually incorrect. She’s a buy-in to a system that would rather see her scrub floors (like many black and Latino women did, do and will) than allow her to become president. And she's not a stupid woman; Jackson's just conveniently ignorant when it comes to issues of race and history. Like most Republicans I read about and watch on television, her ideas are gilded by fear and insecurity. Her parting comment was particularly poignant. “My motto is ‘I’ll stay out of your bedroom, if you stay out of my wallet.”

Lolita: fuck you. I pay taxes too. Stay the fuck out of my bedroom. And remember this: no matter where you go, there you are. The article failed to deal with (among many things) the stress you feel from other Republicans being black and female, and just how frightening naïve you are. All I can say is good luck and live your life. Just try not to bash any more black folks on your way. After all, when you get tired and beat down enough, we will always take you back. Just ask OJ.

Then there was this poor gay guy named Andrew, who is pro-life (since when did he get a vagina?) and who believes that Bush is actually interested in stopping terrorism.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ah.

Okay. Sure. Right. Spare me.

This 24-year old bird attends Columbia Law School, and complains about being the butt of jokes and arguments. Big hornkity-hornk deal. Andy, don’t cry in a magazine article about being teased because you are a Republican. Deal with it. If this is what you believe, then suck it up and get out there and kill those mothers who you claim want to kill their babies. After all their bodies belong to you, right?

There were other disturbing profiles, but these two bored me the most. Articles like this always, I mean, always trot out a black, a woman, a gay, etc., and cast it is as “new.” New, my Booker T ass. I guess what I am supposed to say is “Oh wow! At first I thought that the idea of a new Republican was ludicrous, absurd, laughable, but now I see the error of my ways. I see black faces, gay faces, women’s faces…oh what joy! That means I can become one too! Yay! And all I have to do is sign over my soul? Sign me the fuck up!”

What I want to read (so if anyone knows someone or some article that could speak on this, contact me) is how Republicanism is becoming more humane, compassionate and thoughtful and less Satan-like. How Republicans are less money hungry and socially defunct and morally bankrupt. That would be interesting to read. Because I am tired and frustrated of what I see. The next black or gay face in my face decrying social services or how welfare moms are destroying the American way of life, or how abortion should be illegal, I will stuff them face first up an elephant’s ass.

What I want to know if there is black and/or gay Republican who reads my blog who can reveal what Republicanism is all about. All I have been able to decode in my 38 years are words and phrases like: fear, loathing, racism, guns, status, monopolies, force, conservative, Bible-thumping, willful ignorance, willful arrogance, willful innocence. Stuff that generally distinterests me. Please give me some clarity. Shine a light. Be a beacon for your political party, because, really, Republicanism looks like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like, feels like an excuse not to care about anyone but your damn self.

And don’t think I am a Democrat, because I am not. They suck too. They just suck less.

Monday, January 12, 2004 @ 09:03 PM