I love my Carla. She's the bestest. Smart as fuck. We were having a conversation recently about a mutual friend who, in her opinion, seeks out potential lovers who are "out of her league." Immediately I said, "oh no, she can have anyone she wants to. Out of her league, bah." I like the idea of everyone having infinite possibilities. Carla was like, uh no. Our mutual friend is of average physical attractive, a little portly. Kinda girl-next-door. She often pines for men who wouldn't normally choose her to be their girlfriend or wife. I was like, ok, I see what you mean, based on my experiences living in America, at this point of time. I rarely see light-skinned green-eyed muscular men with average looking women or men hanging on their arms. They tend to go for the Nicole Ari Parker types.
And ladies and gents, this is where I'd like to introduce to you my good friend and yours, hypocrisy. I know that there are men and women who are definitely "out of my league." Very much so. My “you-can’t-touch-this-list” consists of the following traits that I abhor in either sex: lack of reasoning skills, tunnel vision, no vision, self-centeredness, inability to trust, negativity, and aggressiveness. The physical attributes that turn me off: lack of teeth, big heads, unkept hair (not afros: dirty-assed hair), green, blue or light brown eyes, hammer toes, a bloated stomach and any surgically enhanced facial or boobage. Folks who possess these and similar traits are pretty much "out of my league." I have to be stimulated intellectually; so hanging out with someone who has tunnel vision is a waste of my time, and theirs. Someone who has had any "work" might be able to get on my dance card, but not my life partner card because of my endless fascination with cosmetic surgery, and feel I would treat that person like a lab rat, studying them rather than actualizing them as a human who has needs and wants, and most of all, beauty so that he will be accepted and affirmed.
But I have a hard time saying, much less considering that I could be out of anyone's league. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
It's hard for me to imagine anything or anybody being out of my reach. Everything is attainable. Everything is possible. Maybe I am wrong but seeing limitation is the first step in actualizing it? If you can only see a barrier, doesn't that guide who you think you are? It does matter what others think of you because if you believe them, it circumscribes your vision, blunting it, reducing it to virtually nothing.
The problem I have with the "out of my league" sensibility is that one has resigned themselves to being a thing. I remember when I thought everyone was beautiful. Sure I noted the differences in people, but I didn't rank them the way I do now. I am trying to remember how I did it: I kept everyone's beauty equally situated in my eyes and heart. That ended in grade school. I remember liking this girl named Lorraine, and she liked me, but she also was digging on this guy named Kenneth. She had the nerve to tell my 4th grade ass that I could go with her, but that she was going with Kenneth. I was so happy! Except for the Kenneth part.
But I remember thinking that I wasn't good enough for Lorraine to be her only boyfriend. That I was deficient in some way. It didn't occur to me that I was just fine. Nope. I had failed in someway to be whatever would have gained her dumb-assed favor. This was hard for me and it might have been the first time I saw myself as undesirable. That sucked. Up until then I was fairly vacant, and only concerned myself with being bright and thought of as bright.
Okay, so enough reflecting. Reader: I want to know:
1) Is there such a thing as a league?
2) What constitutes your league - education, looks, celebrity, etc?
3) Can someone be out of your league, but you be out of no one league?
4) What's my league (come on, you can tell me...)
That's all. Get thinkin' then get commentin'.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 @ 04:21 PM