De wrap up: Thank you.

Looking back through clear-colored glasses. Photos by Lisann L., 2004.

Introduction
Running my life like a business has always appealed to me. I am a schedule type of guy. Give me a list of lists of things to do, and I am in heaven. Every since I was in college, I would scribble my schedule on everything from notepads to poster boards which I hung on the walls of my bedroom. I have always needed some sort of guide to the territory that is my life – school, art, writing, health, even love. Back then I was creating more art than writing, and writing more than experiencing romance or being concerned with my health. Back I had plans to become the next big thing in pop music. Time revealed, and my lips are sealed.

In my tradition of tracking myself, here is a briefer about 2004, one of the most exciting years I’ve ever lived. Dreams came true. Emotionally I endeavored to mature due to dedicating myself to being better first by examining my feelings. The work is interesting and frightening. I feel like I am coming out of a mean sleep, and it hurts coming back to life. I am working hard not to run from my pain. I've had the extreme good fortune to meet and sup with wonderful people this year. FUNNY was published and it afforded me many opportunities to travel, read and most importantly, an opportunity look at myself, bones to balls. Enough prefacing! Here's a taste of my life, my life, my life...in the sunshine.

Personal
I turned a corner this year and ran dab smack into my feelings. It appears that I have feelings! I feel things just like everybody else. Maybe that's why I like to hide under my bed instead of answering the phone or weep profusely when I see little tiny baby feet. I was secretly thinking about my own little baby heart, the one I had hidden away from the world. I reckon it’s my job is to respect and feel my feelings and not stuff them down, down until they gang up on me and decide to morph into a nifty cancer. I am trying to learn from my past, I am. Crucial texts: Heart of the Soul by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. This book is very challenging. It encourages readers to recognize their feelings. Monitoring my feelings and how my body responds to certain stimulus is uncomfortable. I found that my stomach tingles when I am nervous, and my throats itches when I choke down what I feel I cannot say aloud. In an attempt to recognize and honor my feelings, I took to the page and journaled after years of feeling far too challenged to start. I was hemmed in by the idea that I needed to record my precious thoughts everyday. I didn't journal everyday, and guess what: nobody died.

Under the direction of Malidoma Patrice Some, I underwent a series of rituals to ancestralize my mother Elaine and my grandfather, Steve Fullwood. It was a remarkable feeling. It was a rebirth of connecting to my family and ancestry in a very personal way. It was the first time I had experienced love and support and honor and spiritual comfort within community of people of African descent. Some created this ceremony specifically for black peoples in the United States, and it was the first time black people have ancestralized their dead via the Dagara peoples of West Africa. I look forward to next year’s celebration.

Worked with my chakras and magickal skills this year, and now I can throw a mean spell. Just kidding, but no, seriously. When I focus on my chakras, I can usually calm myself down a bit. My third eye light indigo emits a coolness that immediately reminds me that whatever's happening will be over soon, so chill. Will continue to become more aware (and respectful) of my feelings and how I can use my charkas to destroy the world (haha). Additionally, I fell in love with the TV show Charmed, and yes, I know how corny the show is with its ridiculous special effects, but the bond between those sisters is addictive. The power of three has set me free.

Family
Saw my family in Toledo twice this year, briefly in August and over a few days in October. Learned that I have a significant amount of loving to give to them. Toledo sucks and it generally keeps me at bay, but I have used the city as an excuse not to see my people on the regular. My family in Toledo prepared me for the world in ways I didn’t realize until much later, for example how to be brave, even when I didn’t feel very brave. They love me unconditionally, and I love them unconditionally. My godson Andre D. Rice, Jr. graduated high school and became an actor. He appeared on the season premiere of Judging Amy. I love him and wish him great acting jobs. Probably the most significant breakthrough I’ve had this year was that I was able to untie my tongue and talk about my sister Cynthia, who death hurt my heart and clogged my throat for what seemed like centuries. I miss her terribly.

The Tribe
My tribe of folk, friends and fellow artists, were wonderful in their own madness and beauty. In no particular order, I recognize: Carla, Niki, Donald, Mingus, Heru, Artis, Phillipe, Gregory, Sanford, Lisa, Marvin, Glenroy, Topher, Ajamu, Rasheed, Khary, Charles, Christopher, Matais, Anthony, Ed, Rachel, Michele, Al, Rolita, Debbie, Tess, Bernard, Damond, Tonya, EJ, Mike, Lynne, Tai, Wong, Marie, Thai, Ronn, Samiya, Maurice, Kevin, Reginald, Vincent, Malik, Duncan, Colin, Jesal, Donya, Betty, Alicia, Cynthia, Aisha, Batamaka, Michael, Kai, Cornelius, all my peeps at the Schomburg Center, and many, many more women and men.

Fears
I had to confront many fears this year: of driving, of financial security, of intimacy, of letting go. These are ongoing struggles. Driving makes me weary. I don’t when it started, but I think my aversion began the day I was in a car accident back in 1988. Being in New York, I don’t need a car, but still, I don’t want to feel this way so I plan to conquer it. Lend me your car.

Financial security has dogged me since I was a kid. Although my finances were better than ever in 2004, I have a ways to go to before I achieve the security I want. 2005 will be very challenging, but I plan to make money work for me.

Learning to be intimate after years of being single is not easy. I am a monk by training. I hide a lot. Hiding when you are building a relationship is not the best idea, this I’ve learned. My fears of being discovered for who I am have been quelled considerably thanks to Larry. It feels good to practice love, and to recognize my inner monk and love him too.

Ever tried to let go of something you think you want, but know you don’t need, but may need some day, so you warehouse it? Clothing, books, CDs, and other crap clog my outer and inner being. Slowly I am getting rid of things, donating them to the Goodwill, giving them away, or simply trashing the junk. It’s not easy. The downside of growing up poor is that you feel you must save everything. Although it’s not true, you still believe it. I am limning what I possess in order to have the physical space to breathe and the emotional space to feel afresh. Can you relate to what I am saying? Tell me so.

Black Gay and Lesbian Archive (BGLA)
It was a great year for the Black Gay and Lesbian Archive. The archive was featured on In the Life TV. I presented at the 2004 Libraries in Diversity Conference in Atlanta. Journalist Kai Wright wrote about it, "Documenting a Black Gay and Lesbian Literary Canon," in Black Issues Book Review, July 2004, and in the same issue, Reginald Harris mentioned it in his review of black lesbian and gay poetry in "Out No Doubt." Good old Bernard Tarver posted about it on his blog, Bejata.com. Journalist John Riley did a story about the BGLA on Out FM at WBAI. And there were many donations to the project from folks like Gregory Victorraine (creator of the zine Buti Voxx) and Sanford Gaylord (actor and journalist), among others. December 2005 the archive will open for research.

Call me Curator
My first major exhibition at the Schomburg Center was hiphoproots: origins and impact, November 18, 2004. Complementing the exhibition was a panel discussion which featured Cold Crush Brothers A.D. Harris, Tony Tone, and photographer Joe Conzo, journalist Raquel Cepeda, rap artists Doug E. Fresh and Pebblee Poo, and Dr. Marcyliena Morgan, director of the Hip-Hop Archive at Harvard University. The panel discussion was moderated by Hip-Hop artist and author, Toni Blackman.

And art in harlem had two successful openings, art in harlem: miscellaneous (May) and art in harlem: everyday people (November). The Tribe also held a Salon at the space as well which featured writers Colin Robinson and Mingus, and other fine artists.

Creating, shaping, and executing all three exhibitions wore me the fuck out. Fortunately there was Niki, Larry, Octavia, Damond, Mingus, A.D., Joe, Chantel, and plenty of others whose contributions were invaluable.

Funny business
The largest and most involved experience of 2004 revolved around the creation, publication and marketing of FUNNY. Here is a condensed version of what took place.

My dream scenario for FUNNY.
Prior to publication I created a list of things that I wanted to accomplish with FUNNY. Below is the list. What happened is in bold.

Published in April 2004 (published in June.) The cover is beautiful (yes.) There are no mistakes/typos in the book (well...) The book is absolutely fabulous (yep.) FUNNY is a breakthrough success (I am not sure why I wrote this. Breakthrough in what way?) Everyone wants a copy (lots of my friends do and a few well-wishers, but no, not everybody.) I need to print more! (Nope, not yet.) The book receives the best reviews (well, a couple.) I am invited to give readings and reviews (yes.) FUNNY is required reading in college classrooms (uh, no.) It makes me lots of money (more than I had before…)

Published: June 2004. Press: Venus Magazine, Identity Magazine, Family and Friends Magazine, Vibe.com, AltBrothers, Snap Magazine, and Metrotimes.

Bookstores: Matais Books and Cards, Outwrite Bookstore and Coffeehouse, Harlemade, and Lambda Rising.

Readings and appearances: Hueman Bookstore (NYC), Harlemade (NYC), Q2: Louder Arts (NYC), In the Life Atlanta (Atlanta), Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center (Memphis), SMAAC (Oakland), Other Countries Erotica Reading (NYC), Harlem Book Fair (NYC), and Baltimore Pride (NYC).

Reviews and interviews: Washington Blade, Blown Fuse Reviews, Kevinrscott.com, and Identity Magazine.

Special events: In the Meantime book club selection for December.

That’s all for now.

In addition, I also promoted Think Again, published October 2003.

Readings: Oakland SMAAC, In the Life Atlanta, Riverside State Park, and at Gay Men’s Health Crisis in two workshops.

Press: Gay City News, Lambda Book Report “Inciting Revolution” by Adrian King February 2004, Identity Magazine, and not one, but two articles, Sex Without Fear, and No Sex in the City, by Kai Wright, and at Keith Boykin's website.

Other events and activities included leading a class on massage class for black men at Black Funk, creating "Writers Read James Baldwin," an homage to James Baldwin at Hueman Bookstore (NYC), and conducting an oral history project with the Black Gay Research Group. Oh, in August I drove cross-country with Carla and it was a great great time. Saw many states I've never seen before, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, and Iowa. And there’s nobody better to travel with than Carla.

Guilty pleasures: The Swan, Extreme Makeover, America’s Next Top Model and Trading Spouses.

Music:
Macy Gray Best of Macy Gray
Destiny’s Child Destiny Fulfilled
Tom Waits Beautiful Maladies
Anita Baker My Everything
Tori Amos Welcome to Sunny Florida DVD
Nelly Furtado Folklore
Erykah Badu Worldwide Underground
Amel Laurrieux Bravebird
Marlon Saunders Enter My Mind,
Michelle Williams, "15 Minutes,"
Les Choristes composed by Bruno Coulais
Credence Clearwater Revival Greatest Hits
Toni Childs The Woman’s Boat
Chaka Khan Classikhan
The B52s Anthology Nude on the Moon
Angie Stone Stone Love
Rickie Lee Jones On the Evening of My Best Day
Joan Osborne Relish
Cree Summer Street Faerie,
Incognito Remixed
Bill Doggett Honky Tonk,
Beyonce Dangerously in Love
Kill Bill Vols. I & II soundtracks
Meshell Ndegeocello Bitter
Minnie Riperton Petals: The Minnie Riperton Collection
Rahsaan Patterson After Hours
Kenny Dope, Lifestyles
Chaka Khan Naughty
Zap Mama Ancestry in Progress

Books:
The Story of My Experiments with Truth, by Ghandi
Delusions of Grandma, by Carrie Fisher
Invisibility Blues, by Michele Wallace
Nothin' Ugly Fly, by Marvin K. White
Insanity Runs in Our Family, by Hal Bennett
Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston
True Vampires, by Sondra London
Yeah, I Said It, by Wanda Sykes
People Who Led to My Plays, by Adrienne Kennedy

Things I found out quite by accident:
Listed as an actor on this website for film I did in 1999 for a Columbia film student. Referred to as famous at this website. Mentioned on a colleague’s site.

Oh, and I met and fell in love with this guy.

This is the end. The end. The end.

I fear I have a good life.
This is what I understand life to be right now.
Thank you for loving me.
I will continue learning to love you better.

See you all next year.

Friday, December 31, 2004 @ 01:35 PM