Heru's Take on Sexual Scripting and My Responses

Me thinking about the sexual scripts I've written over the years. Hmm, one? Photo by Donald Andrew Agarrat, 2002.

Heru at Blackfunk.org asks: Is our sex getting any better?

I was delighted to read Heru’s From the Cave: Sex – What’s Next? because it provoked me, and because I know Heru, I had questions and commentary for both him and myself. Sex was one of the subjects me and my roomies knocked about this past Sunday morning. So here goes.

Heru says:
I see sex in numerous areas of people activity. It's in advertising, entertainment, religion, and law. There are conferences, professional organizations, and academic disciplines devoted to the subject of sex. There are sex magazines, sex journals, sex comic books, sex novels, and sex e-zines. Foucault's assessment of the proliferation of "discourses of sex" in the West in mind, I can't help but wonder at this moment:

...with all this TALK about sex, is our sex any better?

Me: Nope. The proliferation of sexual images and text about sex hasn't translated into meaning for me—experience did and does. At times it’s confused me, and made me think I was supposed to be more or less sexual, depending on the situation. Getting to know my body better was the catalyst for reexamining my sexuality. Maybe indirectly sexual images and text about sex encouraged me, but mostly it made me feel insecure. See FUNNY for details (shamless plug, pun intended.)

Heru says: Certainly, I don't think my sex is. I can't remember the last time I had sex with someone and was surprised by something they did sexually. I know there are those among you who would challenge the implicit association that surprise means better sex. In fact, some would argue that familiarity and consistency contribute to the quality of sex. Does someone really want to go into sex fearing it could be hit or miss (no pun intended)? Having a stable partner that you know can deliver over and over again in the same way--in a way that is really pleasurable to you, is obviously appealing. But I'm not talking about situations of ongoing relationship. Those contexts frequently develop larger spheres of relatedness and togetherness and can also drive or undermine sexual inventiveness.

Me: Being surprised by what a new partner does sexually is an interesting idea. Heru, what do you mean? I did link the two, surprise means better sex, because of the way you set it up.

Heru: I'm talking here about the sexual scripts we carry with us into the sexual moment. Do you suck dick, eat pussy, lick ass? Do you swallow? Are you into spitting? Do you want thing clean or dirty? Smelling sweet or raunchy? Do you usually make the first move or are you the closer? Some would say that all those things depend upon the person. But I wonder how many of those things really depend on the kind of person rather than the person. Do we play to certain kinds of characters differently because of their gender, age, size, level of social desirability, apparent interest in us, economic class, educational level, etc?

Me: Yes, all of those things do matter in a sexual relationship, and I know that you know that you have played into some of those “types” in stereo, Daddy. So to bring it to you, Papa, how has your sex changed or remained the same based on your focus on certain types of men and women?

Heru: I'm asking these questions, not for mere academic exercise but, because I am plagued and belabored by them. Very often, because of the (non)sexual, social persona I project and because of my physical stature, I'm typecasted into the role of a particular character by potential and probable sexual partners. Like so many bad pop fiction storylines, a script, unspoken and unwritten, is constructed that places the two of us, three of us, four of us, or how many are present at the time, within a set of given boundaries that limit possible pleasures.

Me: Again, what culpability do you have in this typecasting?

Heru: The gay bois among you are probably saying to yourself right now, "Oh, he's just a 'top' that wants to get fucked." (BTW, ever notice no gay bois ever say, "Oh he's a 'bottom' that really wants to be a top.")And the str8 peoples are probably saying, "He's confused. He probably wants some chick to put on a strap-on and fuck him." Actually, what I'm trying to surface right now comes from a different place of frustration and alienation. Though I have some idea of what I'm talking about, it's still nebulous at the same time. So take this moment with me to be unsure, tentative, and patient with the ambiguity.

Me: I really like what you are saying here. Despite how dry my comments have been, I really feel you reaching for some clarity around your sexual life, which is wonderful. Frustration and alienation have definitely put many of us in a place of contemplation because the alternative is a certain kind of death that demands that we believe whatever someone believes about us without raising a hand to say “no.” Personally the labeling of sexual positions for LGBT/SGL people of color, well, everyone, has been useful in describing what we like, but has often served as a barrier to what we might like too. Too many doors have been shut in the name of “fitting in” and “looking good.” Fulfilling sex takes a minute to learn and explore and think about. At least, it has for me.

Heru: Yet even bisexual and versatile, two referential categories representing ambiguity and unrestrictiveness in our common discourse on sexual potentiality, are themselves subject to sexual scripting. Who you should be, what you should be able to do, and why you do it are bounded by the character roles we apply to the categories bisexual and versatile. These character roles both delimit and define the sexual potentiality we expect thereby limiting the sexual possibilities that exist.

Me: Absolutely.

Heru: But I want to get away from the treatment of sexual scripting through looking at labels like bisexual, versatile, gay, top, man, woman, str8, bottom, etc. because I'm more interested by how the sexual scripting is embodied in our physicality (the bodies we project to the world), our physical appearance (what the world projects onto our bodies) and in our performance of sex. I'm struggling to get around this sexual scripting and I'm trying to track its course while I'm involved in hooking up with someone. Where does the process of sexual scripting begin? Does it start at the moment I find someone attractive? Does it start the moment I know someone finds me attractive? Does it occur the moment of the first touch? Kiss? Lick? Suck?

Me: The process of sexual scripting, to me, started before the hook up, before you were born, before this place and time. What happens is that our historical moment places its value system on it (the potential sexual encounter) however there is the potential partner’s reality to consider, which is most cases, if not all, virtually impossible. You barely know you’re the genesis of your own tastes and motivations; who has time to figure out, much less make sense of, someone else’s tastes and motivations? This leaves me more open to exploring my own thing, my tastes and motivations largely because playing God takes far too much energy than I have or even want to give. The best any of us can do, I believe, is to communicate what we think we know about the genesis of our sexual scripting. That’s useful, and perhaps the only way to escape some truly deadly shit. I am not talking about disease; I am referring to the inability to share your essence with another human being. That’s a living death to me.

Heru: When do we make up our minds about the sexual potentiality in a sexual relationship? What does an embodied communication of that decision look like?

Me: I dunno. It goes without saying that it is a individual matter for each individual, but even a snapshot of what you refer to as embodied communication would be interesting to look at. Say, if you say a brother or a sister that turned you on in some way, and you could freeze that moment, it would contain worlds of information which would include (but are not limited to) who you are (your ancestral memory, your parents, your upbringing, your influences) what you want (based on your positionality in this world - $, body and looks, education and class) and what you feel you deserve (which may trump everything due largely to how you feel about yourself.)

Heru: I acknowledge that I'm not only an object of sexual scripting but I also perform sexual scripting. I've had sex with people to re-make a sexual experience I had in the past. I've also had sex with people to create a fantasy sexual experience that wasn't the reality of the sexual moment. Those were sexual scripts. When I decide what I will do sexually or won't do sexually with someone because of who I've positioned them to be based upon how they appear to me or because of who I've positioned myself to be, I'm sexually scripting. I'm also asking myself how I (de)limit the sexual potentiality in my sexual relationships by the sexual scripting that I perform and the way in which I embody those decisions inside of the sexual moment.

Me: Yeah, I agree that sexual scripting drops a latch on possibility, but it serves us in so many ways to engender “being right.” Truth, used in this way, is really fucked up as well.

Heru: As a trained sexologist inundated--because of my deliberately comprehensive participation in sex cultures--with sexual discourses of all sorts, I'm challenged to find the surprise and wonder I desire in the few sexual moments of which I avail myself. I'm looking to be surprised, to have my assumptions challenged, to find the disconcerting, yet immensely gratifying plot twist in a sexual story I'm sharing with someone whether it lasts for a couple of hours, one night, or for years.

Me: Sexologist, schmexologist. I too am seeking life without being a sexologist, and suspect that many others are as well. I am not sure of using the word “surprise” to describe what it is I am interested in experiencing. Perhaps the other word you used, “wonder,” does it for me. Experience wonder, and indeed, gratitude, at being able to even have a sexual experience, are two factors of many which engage me and my senses, and point to a more expansive way of being on this plane of existence. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Next time: provide examples, anecdotes so that I can better understand your points.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005 @ 11:03 AM