So, so much to say, so little time to say it

I started this entry a few days ago. Since then my life has been turned upside down. But more on that later.

May was a month crammed to rafters with events, a blur of colorful activities, sounds, sights and smells. And it still ain't over I guess until we all fat and all ladies and we all sing. Death, birthdays, art, charka work, and actively thinking and carving out healing by love and compassion for the years that are peeking out from behind the mountains waiting to be born (with a nod to Bjork.) Here's the annotated version of what's been happening to and with me.

Space: Establishing a clearing in my soul.

Cleaning my bedroom has been a difficult, but rewarding task. Boxes upon boxes of papers cram my closets. I’ve taken a first swipe at them, going through the files in order to determine what’s there, what stays and what’s likely to find its way to recycling. I've created lists, and have checked them more than twice, of all the things I have. The love my space demands is clarity: bottom line, what's useful, what’s not? Currently I have 11 boxes of files containing writings, correspondence, business information, academic papers, clippings of published works, programs and events, projects, and other things. I estimate that it will take me at least another three months to finish this project in order to know exactly what it is that I want to keep. And 11 boxes is a supreme achievement compared to the three dozen boxes I dragged to NYC in 1997. Still, I have glimpsed freedom, and right now it looks like 5 boxes and a two-drawer file cabinet.

At the Space: Art kisses, and we lie awake crying for more.

art in harlem: faces went off without a hitch. Sunday May 22. It was simply excellent. Every year it gets larger, more diverse and new folks join the caravan. This year we exhibited art by Donald Agarrat, Wong Dowling, Gregory Gray, Damond Haynes, Rejin Leys, Larry D. Lyons, II, Niki, Shuji Nakamura, Betty Odabashian, Freddie Pena, Alicia Piller, James Reynolds, Cynthia Rollins, Artis Wright, and Zee.

Authors reading included Samiya Bashir, Cheryl Boyce Taylor, Mingus, and newcomer Eva Castiller. We saw two films, one by documentary filmmaker and scholar, Millery Polyne, on tobacco farmers in the south, and another featuring Marie Varghese, who also read poetry. We had a special musical performance by Marlon Sanders whose new CD A Groove So Deep: The Listening Sessions…will be in stores July 26, 2005. Friday, June 3, 2005-Ashford & Simpson's Sugar Bar, NYC, 9 pm, with poetic jazz and soulful grooves from new artist April Hill. Please visit his website for more information.

Over 70 art enthusiasts were in attendance. I have photographs, and they will be up very soon. Please be patient with me.

Fear: The waiting to happen and the dry tongue.

Have you ever started a project that you fear will never, ever be completed? It is the energy currently coursing through my blood right now. Besides struggling with my own tendencies to overextend myself, waiting for others complete their part of the project in order to move ahead has made me sort of insane. On the good side, it has also taught me the value of patience, which helps with balancing the insanity quietly erupting in my soul. Without getting into any specific project or the collaborator or the why's of why things are not being completed, suffice it to say that I am learning that life happens on its own time, and if you're lucky you might be able to help it along a bit. And love softens hard feelings with imagination and grace. Considerably.

Books: Bodies of text licking, inflaming my brain.

Reading Hip Hop Matters: Politics, Pop Culture, and the Struggle for the Soul of a Movement, by S. Craig Watkins, Abcs Of Chakra Therapy: A Workbook by Deedre Diemer. Lots of books on my shelf waiting for my eyeballs including Lazarus by Rashid Darden and two other books on Hip-Hop.

Writing: Word children tickling the lips of my womb.

Working on several projects. Article about archival collections at Historically Black Colleges and Universities. Two presentations for gigs in Chicago (June) and possibly DC (July). My second book. A few poems here and there. Publishing a great poet's book in August. Loving the hustle.

Friendships: Fighting to be together is the point.

I had two very illuminating conversations with two very close friends in the past week. I am still digesting their healing words. Change is a mutherfuck; it hurts to know that change really can’t come from anyone else, that it can only come from self. And what if you are not ready? I think I am. I hope I am. Carla, I love you, and thank you for the letter. Donald, I am sooo loving you and I am back from DC to create beautiful things with you. Again, change is a muthafuck.

Another friend, Jose Dixon, passed away after a long battle with Sickle Cell Anemia. I attended his service two Friday nights ago. I miss him. He was beautiful.

Family: All of us come across the water, hand in hand.

My uncle has throat cancer and recently endured a tracheotomy, and is now undergoing radiation treatment. My heart hurts for him, and I am scared for him. Most of my relatives take flight from Earth in their 50s and 60s. As is the usual with me, I miss my family but I don't like going home to visit Toledo. Every since my mom died in 1997, going back HURTS. She's not there, and almost everything reminds me of her absence from my childhood home to, well, everywhere. In 1999, I lost three people: an aunt, an uncle, and my best friend's mother, all within three months. I have yet to prune memories of death in order to experience the brighter satellites orbiting in Toledo, namely family and friends. Is it necessary to forget? To move the difficult memories to another space in my head and heart so I can not wince at the mention of Toledo? Can I lay Mom and my sister and my relatives to rest and still remember them in healthy ways? I need to know, because I don’t know, I don’t.

Working out: Body aches for motion, and I satisfy it.

I'll have been in the gym for month Friday May 27th. 5 days a week, four weeks. I am excited about my progress. Still, I have to monitor my eating. This week I started out with no gym on Monday (traveling) and quite possibly today (Tuesday). I am rejuvenating from the long weekend in DC, meeting with the Fire and Ink board, and as well as selling books at DC Black Pride's expo. Besides selling books, I had a chance to bask in the light of so many wonder-filled people, folks I hadn't seen in a month of Sundays. I also had a face to face with Rashid Darden, author of Lazarus, along with plenty other amazing people including Lisa C. Moore, Alphonso Morgan, Steven Newsome, Anthony Hardaway, and the beauteous Samiya Bashir, whose new poetry book, Where the Apple Falls, was born this week. If you're in New York City in June, Bashir is hosting a book release party at the Bowery Poetry Club Saturday, June 11th, 6-8:00pm. Location: 308 Bowery (between Houston & 1st Streets).

Love: And bread eaten in secret is pleasant.

Larry likes to think and be accountable, which, frankly, is all I ever wanted in a partner: someone capable of rowing their own boat, to indulge in a bit of life’s love with me. Traveling with him this weekend was fun and engaging. On the ride down we talked about unconditional love; what it is, how to do it, and on the way back, we asked each questions from the latest Psychology Today which specifically addresses self-image, on what you think of yourself vs. what others think. Fun shit.

Upcoming events:

Fund raiser for Uhuru-Wazobia/LGBT Africans, Saturday June 4, 2005. 10pm-4am. Location: 2234 3rd Avenue/122nd Street. Entrance: $5.00 Click here for more information about Uhuru-Wazobia/LGBT Africans.

Angels in America, the film. Divinity is an interactive experience.

Did anyone see this? I thought it was amazing. It’s hard to bite down into words the enormous value--at least for this here imp--in wrestling with an angel; refusing, and then rewriting religious text on the spot; the remembering of how life cuts a hole in you and you must take up the needle and thread and sew yourself back to together, stitch by stitch and that that’s okay, it’s fine, divine even. I want to think about this extraordinary film more so I will post more of my thoughts/critique next month.

Muah.

Thursday, May 26, 2005 @ 05:14 PM