At 40, you would think I’d be able to say goodbye with ease. Tilt the head. Raise a hand and wave. Turn, face the horizon, and walk. Sounds easy, but not for me.
Here’s the thing: I like adventure. Whatever’s coming, I’m down. Even if I don’t initially cotton to it, change is alright with me. Can’t live without it—indeed, who can? Still, saying so long has always been difficult for me because I automatically associate leaving with loss, and loss with losing. Although I know that these concepts are not synonymous, tell that to the body aching for a yesterday, a ‘never will be like again’ time throbbing in the brain coupled with a persistent petulance.
Fortunately I’ve been able to poke at, puncture and deflate the bloated, self-important corrosive leaving/loss/losing idea with two very sharp instruments: a love of experiencing the unthinkable, and humor. Recently I have been blessed with the unthinkable:, a painfully hilarious, bittersweet reality that demands a shift in focus and desire, and an admission to myself that dwelling in possibility means anything can happen—and, at times, quite inconveniently. Humor always waits in my palm, itching to tickle and rouse me out of whatever funk I’ve crawled into. These are my only tools, fashioned from stone, bone and breath.
So.
Goodbye.
August (or maybe forever) feels like a good time as any to rest and relax and remind myself of the healing power of silence.
Me: I sit on a fence, wearing a hat, one side red and the other blue. What color will you see if you stand to my left? My right? What if you face me? Glimpse me from the back? Most of my life I thought it mattered that you saw me, considered me, maybe even wanted me, but now I know that’s just my ego laughing and talking loud like kids at the mall. Forget I ever said it. Forget that time after time when I wanted you to see blue, you saw red, and some of you actually had the nerve to see yellow.
I am inconsistent, complex and cryptic. I have no answers, no truth to offer you. I arc towards meaning. Come for me. Here’s what you’ll find: a baby thumbing his way across the galaxy, tripping up everyone’s alarm system, happily defecating in his diaper. Stank, stomp, storm, sensation, ssss.
My toes curl up when I think about this website. Three years and one day of interviews, poems, photographs, program announcements, reviews, riddles, rants. Me starting out hopeful and eager. Me after a few days wondering what the fuck to write. Me getting excited when someone actually responded to what I wrote. Me liking to be heard. Me easily self-satisfied. Me getting it right. Me getting it wrong. Me being told that my website doesn’t represent me. Me getting off on my own work. Me getting off on people getting off on my work. Me loving to promote other people's books, films, art, politics, etc. Me finding ideas I originated at my site on other people’s blogs. Me loving to meet other bloggers. Me being scared of uber-bloggers. Me seeing that bloggers often fluctuate between genius and self-masturbatory drivel. Me not exempt from previous critique. Me happy because I answer to no one.
Me wondering if I should call my next book "Crouching Nigger, Not-so-hidden Faggot." Me thinking it's a good idea cuz I am always crouching, always niggering, always faggoting.
Me pondering the years online. Me considering why it was important to me to share my life in this manner. Me knowing why. Me spilling guts. Me being a dick. Me getting some dick and ass because of this website. Me grateful to those who offered it up quite willingly.
Me laughing because what I said to you is not what you heard.
Me letting go of the steering wheel. Me hoping you crossing the street. Me wishing that we all end up and heap giggling.
Me generally satisfied with spitting smoke in your face and licking your funky, funky drawers.
Me wanting to see you without your myth. Me gonna see it anyway, regardless.
Other elements. Funny this, Funny that. The doctor of all dicks. The Black Gay and Lesbian Archive. This here’s one extraordinary machine, if I do so say so myself. And I do. Bask in all that is Steven. If you haven’t already, feel free to get all up in my cyberspace. Go on. Don’t be shy. Feel my pulse. Place one finger just inside the lip.
To you who visited my website deliberately, and to you who came accidentally, thank you. To those who came, read whatever the fuck I wrote, and maybe went back and read prior entries, I sincerely appreciated the time you spent here. To you who read my website while at sitting at work, I hope it was worth getting fired for. To you who wanted to know about me, so you Googled a brother and found me prostrate screaming on your screen—afroed, dreaded, bald—thanks for considering me. To you who unwittingly fell under my spell, sorry. I'm addictive. It's the light skin.
To you who may not have access to all the resources every black homo/lesbo/bisexo/transo/SGL-O/queer-O should have, hopefully I’ve provided you resources: personalities, books, films, music, events, etc. to enrich and expand your consciousness. We around here at sgf.org luxuriate in the beauty of not being hetero, and say it loudly.
To you who read my shit and started your own shit, glad to be of service. To you who wanted to meet/date/fuck me because you saw my face on the Internet, I am flattered, but also bummed that we didn’t meet earlier when I was lonely and desperate because we could have had a spanking good time dicking it out.
To you who left commentary that helped me think and rethink my genius thoughts, a hearty thank you. To you who read about the BGLA and contributed materials, thank you so very much. I could never thank you enough for helping me grow the project. To you who, because you happened upon this site, hired me to give readings or presentations, thank you, thank you, thank you. Traveling is fun and cash is nice.
To you who bought FUNNY, I am forever grateful. To you who pointed out uneven segues, typos, and just plain bad writing, thank you from the bottom of my walnut-sized heart. I’s better for it, I’s really is. To you who, after reading a post, saw fit to send me an email, I sincerely appreciated the gesture. To you who are obsessively drawn to everything Steven, thank you very much.
Now get a life.
Sunday, July 30, 2006 @ 10:02 PMThanx for the wicked writings and it actually kept me from getting fired, cutey :-p
Posted by Simbul / on...I've enjoyed reading your blog for well over several years.It was one of the 1st Blogs that has managed to grab and keep my attention)....Thanks for sharing your commentary and warm beautiful spirit...Be BLESSED Black Man & good luck!
I'm sure ya commentary will show up somewhere else online soon enough!
---K
Posted by keronce / onDamn, I don't what the fuck you are talking about, but I'll miss your ramblings.
Shooky
Posted by Shooky Von Dookie / onGonna miss your unique voice and perspective. :( Good luck Sweevie.
Posted by Rtis / onOk, am I the only one who thinks this is just a vacation not a complete departure?
Boy, you ain't going nowhere! Larry tried that mess too and look at him, he's back.
And as I said to him when he posted *his* goodbye entry, the good bloggers *always* return.
Posted by Bernie / onOh no! I really enjoyed your interviews and wish you continued success. I'm taking a little vacation in NYC soon, so I hope to see you!
Posted by karsh / onI will miss your words, info, and everything. You are missed in Memphis!! Much Love!!
Posted by Nick A. Davis / onI certainly will miss your presence here as well. But I hope you do return. Soon. Enjoy the silence.
Posted by jstheater / onGoodbye?..
My little voice tells me Steven will come back in a different form..Soon!
I REALLY enjoyed reading your blog..
(very unique) and also love your sense of humour..LOL!!
I learned a lot about black lgbt litterature thru you!
Thx a million!
As an unabashed Stevenite, I am truly going to miss you. Yes, I felt the little tinge of pain in my heart when I read the word "Goodbye", but I agree with you on the power of silence.
I love your sense of humor. I love your honesty. I appreciate and respect your gift of the word.
I will definitely miss you.
Posted by Derrick / onDang Steven!
I will sincerely miss you and your geniousness...Thanks for enlightening me through your blog. May you continue with much success and many Blessings in all that you do.
Love Ya Much!
The difference between letter and litter is a vow(el).
Posted by Are we not our father's bloggers? / onI was most definitely a deliberate visitor. I will miss you.
Posted by Lloyd Moore (Denver) / onGonna miss you, Steven. You kept my ear to the street in terms of what's going on in New York. And since I'll be moving there in September, I really appreciated that.
Posted by Nikki / on